Suck it, Middlebury.
If you Midd Kids can hear me through the two−foot pile of frozen crud, hear this: You're Tufts' new rival.
Two weeks ago I explained why having a rival to superficially devote our hate to would electrify Jumbos sports events. Since then, I've talked to athletes and friends around the NESCAC, and I've decided that our best partner in Hateville are those granola−munching, Nalgene−totingdweebs up in Vermont.
But why do the Middlebury Panthers suck? Let me count the ways:
Tufts men's lacrosse has beaten Middlebury five straight times over the last two seasons, often with thrilling late−game goals. If you don't grasp the importance of this, you don't know how essential lacrosse is on our campus. Two springs ago we won the Div. III National Championship! For one gorgeous summer, Tufts was the best at something besides being the most dangerous campus in the nation. One lock of former senior quad−captainlongstick midfielder Alec Biolosky's flow goes for thousands of dollars on the black market.
But the fact that we own the Panthers in men's lax will only take us so far in getting this rivalry off the ground. We need specific grievances against these Middlebury folks. We need to make generalizations about the student body, alumni and mascot.
I'll start with the mascot: a panther? Really? Middlebury is one of 33 schools in the country with a panther as its mascot. In a conference that includes a fighting chicken, a purple cow and a Jumbo elephant, the Panthers are incredibly boring. The NESCAC is about being original, and Middlebury is as vanilla as a Ben and Jerry's ice cream cone.
If the Midd Kids aren't already shaking in their Sperrys, take a look at the informative"Midd Kid" instructional video on YouTube. Being a Midd Kid seems like so much fun. Look at their lavish lifestyle! Look at all of the pretty ladies! All of the cheeses! Throw that granola in the air like you just don't care!
A healthy inferiority complex is crucial to the development of this rivalry. The truth is, we can never be as cool as these posh Midd Kids. Besides wearing nicer clothes and being the champions of muggle Quidditch — a game that they invented the rules of, mind you — they also live in Vermont, where things, of course, are just nicer. They have delicious cheeses and real maple syrup in their dining halls, instead of the stuff in Dewick that forms into plastic−y ripples. Stuff is expensive in Vermont, but that's OK — those kids at Middlebury bathe in hundred−dollar bills, right?
Is that true? Maybe, maybe not. The point is that we have material to put on signs and bring into Cousens Gym while we scream at those sheltered Vermont losers.
Like us, Middlebury doesn't have a natural geographic rival. Amherst has Williams. Conn. College, Wesleyan and Trinity have their Connecticut thing going on, and as much as we'd like to be rivals with Harvard, we don't play them in anything.
Tufts and the Panthers are like two dancers on prom night, and neither of us have dates. We see Middlebury across the floor. They're wearing flannel for no apparent reason and sipping a glass of maple syrup with their pinky out. There's also a broom between their legs, just for funsies. Let us step to them, and spit on their boat shoes.
Because at least 60 percent of the time, these Panthers suck every time.
--
Ben Kochman is a junior majoring in English. He can be reached on Twitter @benkochman or at bkoch.tufts@gmail.com.
