Dear Jack and Hannah,
no thereus dude. bnut weirs thew mac and cheese and still they wait while the fru and yoon goes ion. i forgot the ducks aude he smore than a little bit cheating anf killing each toerh but thwers lots of irish
Siincefryl,
[Wasted in West]
Whoa. I'm not sure we're in any way qualified to deal with such a serious situation. To start with, I would dial 911. Unless you've already contacted the police, which is what we would have done to start with. Second of all, your RA is an incredibly useful resource, and once your typing skills have returned to their usual state, I would send him or her an email as soon as possible. Your choice in contacting us first, although interesting, will hopefully serve as a stern warning to the rest of the Tufts community, and we thank you for your contribution.
The Irish can be a very sensitive subject indeed. Hannah once had an unfortunate encounter with one involving three pints of apple juice, some macramé and a lemur, and, well, we won't go into too much detail. You already know how those things end.
Here's what we would do:
FIRST, put down the knit sweater your second cousin bought you for Christmas. He will not be too offended by the fact that you may have temporarily misplaced it during this debacle. Trust us. There are more important things in life. Your trachea, for one. Next, exit the car. As much as I'm sure you would like to remain in the car, the macaroni and cheese which is currently covering the windshield, as well as most of the left quarter panel might hinder your driving ability just a tad. And the lingering smell of cold and rancid cheese wafting around your head will not reflect kindly on your personal reputation tomorrow. The T still runs for a few more hours, so you should be all right.
Do not do anything about the ions. You can deal with those later when you compulsively order a fancy thing from Sharper Image, which mysteriously removes them from the air in your living space. Also, we cannot believe you left the ducks behind. Tufts is quite a ways from the Charles, and although we appreciate the effort it took to lead the ducklings to the president's lawn, you're not in any condition to be leading them back just now. Therefore, your next step is to have a friend phone TUPD for their complementary duckling escort service, and maybe a spa gift card or something for the distressed mama duck.
Now the main question is what to do about that lousy scoundrel of a guy. It is well known that in addition to chocolate and graham crackers, S'mores contain marshmallows. Cheaters are one thing, but a cheating scumbag who doesn't know how to roast a marshmallow properly is not worth your time or effort. It may be difficult to put aside all those memories of good times shared, but I fear that at this point in your haywire torpedo of a relationship, it is time to let go. But, if you're in a forgiving mood, maybe you can let bygone burnt marshmallows be bygone burnt marshmallows and go out for some delicious Mac and cheese at some point in the near future.
Remember, this is only an advice column. You are your own person, and your decisions are yours alone. Ducks are quite resourceful, so don't worry too much about them. And for your information, you go better with the fru and yoon than anyone we know.
--
Jack Webster and Hannah Furgang are
both freshmen who have not yet declared
a major. Jack can be reached at John.
Webster@tufts.edu and Hannah can be
reached at Hannah.Furgang@tufts.edu.
