Thanksgiving

I know this may shock some of you, but right now I am in a spectacularly good mood. (Yes, it does happen, and no, I haven’t even had coffee yet.) Why, you may ask? Well, the simple fact that Thursday is Thanksgiving, of course -- there is absolutely nothing not to love about a holiday that celebrates, above all else, food.

Of course, there is no reward without sacrifice, and you will certainly have to make a few in order to snag that perfect piece of turkey. Thanksgiving usually involves other people, like your family. Now, I think we can all agree that family members are typically less annoying than the general population, mostly because they share some of your own genes and therefore are, at least in some small way, gifted and extraordinary.

The ugly truth is that you will have to socialize with your family in order to enjoy that delicious slice of pumpkin pie. While tempting, I do advise against grabbing your food and sprinting to the nearest corner to enjoy in solitude. Doing so will likely result in words like “anti-social” and “disturbed” whispered by nosy relatives while they all congregate in the kitchen and gleefully discuss all the past red flags they had, of course, recognized in your irreversible downward spiral. Instead, you will have to sit at the table and answer well-meaning questions about school, alarming questions about your future and extremely awkward questions about your love life (or lack thereof).

Another necessary evil is conjuring up an extensive list of “what you’re thankful for.” This is best to do well in advance, because I speak from experience when I say it’s much harder than you might think to fabricate positive things on demand. For example, I’m thankful that only a select few read this column, most of whom are my close friends. I reveal far too embarrassing things sometimes, and am overall not exactly a ray of sunshine, so anyone reading this who doesn’t actually know me will probably think my every word drips such toxic venom that my very presence wilts flowers and kills small animals. This is obviously false -- they are only knocked out (except for CleverDog, may he rest in peace).

My only advice to you here is to get as specific as possible. Although you might find the vast majority of things extremely irritating, there’s probably a way you can twist it enough so your relatives won’t notice. If that isn’t working, simply talk really quickly so they don’t understand and instead nod and smile vaguely, “Isn’t that nice.” As a last resort, simply deflect -- make sure your overbearing great-aunt is aware that your cousin is planning to drop out of school and join the circus. The ensuing confrontation, lengthened by your aunt’s ferocious personality and even more ferocious hearing problems, will ensure that everyone is vastly entertained for at least the next 10 minutes.

You see, Jumbos, it’s not as hard as it seems to really enjoy Thanksgiving. Simply avoid your relatives, invent a couple of good things that have happened to you lately (Ha! As if! Midterms last forever!), and, above all else, make sure you’re seated closest to the dessert table. Happy eating!