After returning from Los Angeles, I feel renewed by a powerful dose of vitamin D, a few extra pounds and enough matchas to make my wallet shed a few tears. I’m happy to say we’re back! Spring is officially here! Days are getting longer and the weather is (supposedly) getting warmer! With only a handful of weeks left in the semester, one might say life is looking lusher than before.
Yet amid all this bliss, there is a dissonance. A part of me is trying to grapple with this feeling, given the political turmoil and destruction that our country is eliciting. It was recently announced that the Pentagon has deployed around 2,000 troops to the Middle East amid the escalating war. There have been devastating reports of collateral damage, including the horrific bombing of an Iranian girls’ school by the U.S. that resulted in at least 175 deaths. Countries across Asia have plummeted into a global energy crisis. Meanwhile, our country’s leaders continue to spew despicable rhetoric that glorifies this violence and death.
How to reconcile this? What can I make of this nagging sense of guilt for feeling the “bright side?”
I’ll admit it, I fall into this trap at times. I feel this pang of guilt sometimes for feeling joy, or even stressing over my own mundane struggles, while others are experiencing literal catastrophe. I’m not sure if anyone else relates to this. If so, this is how I’ve been considering my feelings.
Guilt is not a productive feeling. Rather, it implies a sort of paralysis or stagnation. There is this sense of helplessness that benefits no one. Instead, it inhibits one from truly being present in their life, while also doing nothing to alleviate the struggles of others. In a way, it is a subtle, perverse form of self-victimization, occupying a space that is neither here nor there, lacking the courage to be happy or the utility to be helpful.
What I have been working to do instead is to feel a sense of informed gratitude. This isn’t ‘blissful ignorance.’ Rather, it looks like educating myself about what is occurring in the world, without letting it taint or remove me from my own experiences.
I have found that being here at Tufts and educating myself is the best way to make an impact. Learning about the world around us leads to taking steps in tackling its problems, rather than just feeling helpless.
For me, this looks like leaning into the final months of this school year. Embracing the late-night laughs and the intellectual rigor of my classes, while keeping an understanding of what is happening around the world. Lately, my family has also been using a gratitude sharing app where we post three things we are grateful for and one kind reflection on one another. It’s such a simple, little ritual, but it is effective. We post pictures of our dogs and our coffee in the morning, and reflect on how lucky we are to have each other in our lives, rather than living in a state of war and displacement. It centers me in this state of abundance rather than shame, providing necessary emotional fuel to actually move forward. It allows us to use our privilege to educate ourselves and advocate for change. We cannot pour from an empty cup, or help others when we feel this perverse shame for our own joys.
Even in writing this, I worry I’m making it all about me — perhaps that, too, is a form of self-centeredness. But I am still pulling myself back to the present, back to gratitude. For now, this is the bright side.
