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Tufts student brutally tortured for not voting

    A freshman was hospitalized for second-degree burns yesterday as a result of a brutal tarring-and-feathering staged by the leaders of the group Tufts Votes, a student-run organization that works to achieve, uh, "civic engagement" among Jumbos. Whatever that means. The freshman, Ira GoldenMcbergstein, had outraged campus leaders after admitting to having "forgotten" to mail absentee ballots in time for his vote to be counted.     But when he tried to report the violent incident to the Judicial Affairs Office, GoldenMcbergstein found he was in for a surprise — the Dean of Students Having Affairs instead told the non-voter he was not welcome on the Tufts campus any longer.     "I expelled GoldenMcbergstein because he's just ig'nant. It's dumb not to vote in this day and age and I support the actions of Tufts Votes," the dean told the Daily. "And if I hadn't punished him for not voting, the Tufts Democrats would have probably kicked my ass. Tufts is trying to post a 100 percent voter turnout rate, or at least show as much voter turnout as some of the Ivies."     "Like, it's like, just really gay to like, not vote," one Tufts Votes leader told the Daily. "And I don't mean gay like homo, I mean gay like retarded. I mean … I don't mean retarded like, retards, like Sarah Palin's baby or whatever, but like, just fucked up. It's just fucked up to not vote."     GoldenMcbergstein said that while he had registered and applied for an absentee ballot, he had gotten confused as to the deadline to vote in his home state of New Jersey.     "When I realized the mistake I had made, I immediately burned the absentee ballot and told everyone I knew that I'd mailed it in," he said. "But somehow they found out. When I came back to my dorm from class yesterday, people from Tufts Votes were waiting in my room."     "This is a historic election, you fucking idiot," the Tufts Votes president said. "There's a black dude running for president … I think he's black, right? Well, he's either black or Muslim. He's a minority. You have to vote. And we explicitly gave students a list of deadlines for absentee ballots. I think this will be the last time that any Jumbo forgets to vote."     VOTE, YOU ASSHOLES … UNLESS YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE TUFTS REPUBLICANS, IN WHICH CASE, PLEASE DON'T VOTE LOLOLOL KTHXBYE.

Hipsters in dismay: Museum of Bad Art reaches real, stupid America

    You've probably met so-called "art lovers," those who claim that Jackson Pollock's splotches were genius and that a urinal can be art too. They'll likely tell you that good art is hard to make, that people go to school for artistic training and that some are "gifted" artists with natural talent. But when you ask why everything in museums like the Metropolitan Museum and the MFA seems sort of … blah, they tend to roll their eyes.     It's not often that a museum has the guts to show some of the truly fine artistic endeavors that experts systematically overlook. At the Museum of Bad Art, eager visitors interested in the real art world (an offshoot of real America) get to see the most miraculous creations of mankind in the appropriate setting: right next to the men's bathroom in the basement of the Somerville Theatre.     In the expansive collection, pieces hang on the walls like a community of defiant outcasts. For these works, conventional media are more like abstract concepts; paint takes on a more familiar look, like something better left uneaten at the dining hall, or things you flush down the toilet every day. People often feel a familial connection with works, saying that the sculptures remind them of "something that their three-year-old could make."     Art is a powerful tool, and through these masterpieces, the artists' subjects are immortalized. Though one may be compelled to question why exactly someone would want to paint "Mana Lisa," the cross-gender interpretation of a famous painting, a grinning pug or to photograph two turtles stacked on top of each other, now these important subjects can be interpreted and loved for years to come.     One particularly inspiring work is Mari Newman's "Juggling Dog in Hula Skirt." In this painting, the artist has used the technique of pointillism, and extended its range of meanings, applying it to the common and touching situation at hand: exactly what the title says. In this stunning portrait, a polka-dotted dog's exceedingly blank eyes stare, filled with joy at the sight of rainbow bones falling through the air. Tiny white flowers, which inexplicably cover the scene, gather around his left paw, which clutches a yellow bone. With some contemplation, the viewer can conclude that the flowers may either symbolize the Hawaiian heritage of this grass-skirt wearing canine or, more likely, nothing at all. Trippy.     What's truly amazing is that many of the works have been donated by the artists themselves. These people, who are so busy finding ways to express their creativity, still find the time to humbly donate their work, without going through a middleman or asking for money. Their humanitarian attitude shows their admirable belief that this art should be made public, to educate and inspire the masses. Because of their courage, others may carry on the tradition of art-making in the face of a society that begs them to stop.

Film Series to air hours of hard-core pornography

    In an effort to combat poor turnout, the Tufts Film Series plans to air several hard-core pornographic films.     "You see, we tried showing good movies for free, but students were too lazy to walk all the way to Barnum," explained film series programmer Cupcake McDorksberg. "There's nothing like a little P in V to really stimulate an audience."     "That's what she said," he added.     Friday night's lineup includes "Clue: Who Fucked Mr. Boddy?" (2001), an exciting new take on the cult classic. In the film, the usual suspects arrive at a mansion expecting a necrofeliac-tastic gang bang, only to find out that one of the guests has prematurely fornicated the recently deceased host.     Not wanting to spoil the fun for everyone else, the gang teams up to uncover whodunit with Mr. Boddy, using which object/sex toy, in what orifice. Do they have the "plums" to solve the mystery before trying out every possible combination on one another? Shine a black light on Mrs. White and it doesn't seem likely. Stay for the second film in the double-feature, which is based on "Clue Jr."     On Saturday night, viewers will get their funny bones tickled, along with their balls, as they are treated to a screening of "Everything You Wanted to See Involving Woody Allen Having Sex but Were Afraid to Admit Publicly" (1972). In an interview with Daily reporter Annie Hall, Allen said, "Don't you see that the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here. So I thought, why not make a titty flick?" He then returned home to have sex with his daughter/wife while discussing her options after grad school.     Though the writing is witty, hornier audience members might be put off by the fact that the first 90 minutes consists only of Allen negotiating sex with an already consenting partner, while the final five minutes just shows Allen playing the role of his own sperm.     Although the Tufts Film Series will have a tough time competing with the vast quantities of free alcohol and loose women that pervade this campus, McDorksberg is confident that, at a minimum, this event will give him a great excuse to masturbate publicly, a hobby he took to in the library frequently last year. After countless Daily news articles on his apparently unwelcome display, he decided to move it to Barnum's excuse for a "movie theater."     The screening will take place in the broom closet next to Barnum 008, and attendees are encouraged to donate their emissions to the conveniently located Dana Laboratory at the end of the show. Bring your own sock.

Protesters gave Elm a deadly fungus

                A final swipe of the axe will bring the "Arborgate" scandal to a dramatic close -- the large Elm tree on the President's Lawn is scheduled to be cut down this Friday evening after protesters pretending to save the tree gave it a lethal fungus, one professor believes.     Approximately 30 students rallied around the tree last week to protest its alleged removal. The initiators of the protest now claim it was a hoax, constructed to serve as a case-study for a course one of the participants is taking.     "We're in, like, a social movements class," one (understandably) anonymous sophomore said. The protest was to continue "semester-long," as a joke, he said.     But it seems the students' mock conservationism might have brought on the tree's downfall.     The tree has contracted Dutch Elm Disease (DED), and George Elmore, associate professor of biology and director of the environmental studies program, thinks the students gave it the illness.     DED is transmitted via contact with other infected trees or organisms. When asked if the infection could have been caused by a student at the protest, Elmore said, "absolutely."     "You have to realize that once you've been [in contact] with a tree, you've been [in contact] with every tree that tree has been with," he said. "The chances for infection are high when you've been gallivanting with a different tree every weekend." Elmore said even full-body banana suits didn't constitute "sufficient protection."     When asked what "gallivanting with a tree" would entail, Professor Elmore refused to comment, bowing out by saying he was late for Singles Night at the ENT Convention in Boston.     "The disease infects the vascular tissue of the elm, clogging it and preventing water transportation throughout the tree," Elmore said. "Trees with the disease decay from the inside out." In other words, the professor said, "the tree is DED inside."     There have been no reports of the tree listening to Eliot Smith or My Chemical Romance, though Elmore assured the Daily that if symptoms progressed it would come to that.     Senior Dan Buonaiuto, who used a penguin outfit as his "protection," denied any foul play. "That tree knew just as well as we did what the deal was. We were just there to have fun, no strings attached. Elms be trippin'," he said.     As for the protesters who did not use full-body protection, Buonaiuto said, "It wasn't necessary. We'd all showered recently." Buonaiuto and many of his friends, it might be noted, is in the Tufts Mountain Club. So no one believes that stuff about the showering.     Close friends of TMC have since claimed that the group does not, in fact, ever shower.     When asked for a statement, the tree said "I feel so dirty. I thought they liked me. I thought we had a connection. I guess I was wrong."     The poor Elm was wrong. DED wrong.

Charlotte F--king Steinway | Is Really Tall

    Dear SOS,     HIIIIIIIIIIi, So my bf lyke rly wants me 2 dress up like a huge sl00t for H-WEEN this yr bc he rly wantz me to help fulfill his sexual role-play fantasies :0 LOL.  I think he wantz me 2 go as lyke a  ~*naughti sch00lgUrl*~ or maybi a ~*sexi Fr3nch m@id*~ ROFL s0000 embarrassingggg, r1ght?! What do I?? SOS CAN SOMEONE HELP ME (ahaha riHaNnA rULez!!) Sincerely,     R3LUCT4NT R0L3-PL4Y3R Dear R3LUCT4NT R0L3-PL4Y3R,     First of all, thanks for your message — I actually didn't know that I still had a MySpace account until I got an e-mail notifying me of your query! Oh and btdubbers, I checked out your music page and I've got so say I LOVED that song where you pined for your dead cat in that really raspy voice and then switched over to a really oddly convincing rendition of koRn's "Freak on a Leash." Niiiice. And I wondered why I never go on MySpace anymore.     Anyways, you seem to have asked the right question, because, guess what? H-ween is just chock-full of kids with pent-up sexual desires hoping to manifest those through a whole variety of role-play scenarios :X. Hate to say it, but your "bOiii~fR3InD" might not be so crazy after all, so stop being such a Halloweenie. (Just be cautious if he asks you to take out a play "broomstick" and "ravage him like a monster." We've all been there, and we all know how, uh, sticky it can get.)     And here's where I get all Lara Levi on you: Let's start with the classic example of the naughty schoolgirl. After going to an all-girls school for seven years of my life, I can count upwards of 11 classmates of mine who brought their uniform to school SPECIFICALLY to fulfill men's (and women's … It goes both ways!) desires of the aforementioned fantasy. I don't really know exactly what it is that men find quite so appealing, but I could guess it would lie somewhere along the lines of short skirts and borderline pedophilic perversions. If you do plan on going as a schoolgirl, make sure to bring a ruler — because corporal punishment is so0o0o0o0o0 in this year. Just ask John McCain.

Tree suing Michael Canton

    The President's Lawn Tree has filed a petition for a restraining order against Michael Canton, arguing in a brief to the Middlesex District Court that it does not need the mystery organizer's help and is "quite frankly a little weirded out by the man in the banana suit who won't stop fondling my branches."     Grace Ross, the former Green-Rainbow candidate for governor, has agreed to represent the tree, noting that her years of tree hugging have given her the ability to communicate with trees by softly stroking their roots. Mark Wahlberg has also decided to briefly suspend his campaign aimed at saluting the mothers of a record number of farm animals in order to offer his help.     In its brief, filed yesterday, the tree asked the court for special relief via euthanasia. The tree called euthanasia the "safe and controlled" option, but also expressed few qualms about "offing myself and taking Gifford House down with me."     The tree cited its old age and the refusal of the administration to let it retire to Florida as two prominent reasons for its decision.     But it was the recent invasion of costume-bearing hippies that really got its branches in a bind. "People make fun of me all the time for breathing carbon dioxide," the tree said. "But over the past 100 years, I've actually gotten used to the stuff. But hippie odor  — I mean, I take more showers than those guys. And don't even get me started on the armpit hair."     The President's Lawn Bush has filed an amicus curiae brief with the court, arguing that euthanizing the tree would leave an opening for the younger generation of foliage to assert itself. "Also, maybe I could convince the banana guy to come play in my leaves," the bush said.     The man in the banana suit, who requested anonymity, said he is amenable to that solution. "As long as you don't make me go back to Wren," he said. "Have you ever tried sleeping there?"

House call: Francona and Epstein residence allegedly bombarded by Yankee conspirators

    At 11:52 p.m. last night, an attack was executed on the house of Red Sox G.M. Theo Epstein and team manager Terry Francona. Epstein and Francona, who recently joined their lives under the Massachusetts same-sex marriage laws in an attempt to bridge the gap between the Sox' upper management and field management as well as to promote team cohesion, were the latest victims of what seemed to be traditional "Mischief Night" shenanigans.     Whilst committing some "shenanigans" of their own in the bedroom, Francona explained in an interview early this morning that their house was hit with a bombardment of toilet paper rolls, eggs and sock-bombs.     "We were shocked to hear loud banging against the side of the house," Francona said. "We heard chants from what sounded like older men, and our windows were pelted with eggs."     While authority figures are still struggling to find any concrete leads on the perpetrators, some have speculated that Yankees' Co-Chairperson Hank Steinbrenner and General Manager Brian Cashman, who were "in town on business" according to Yankees' Director of Media Relations Jason Zillo, may have been involved. Oddly enough, Yankees' head honcho George Steinbrenner was found asleep a quarter-mile away on the side of the road covered in feces and toilet paper, but no connections were found between this and the attack, as this is a relatively common occurrence for the eldest party-hearty Steinbrenner.     In a Boston Police questioning, Cashman "pleaded the Fifth" when asked where he was last night, despite not being on any sort of trial. He subsequently asked to speak with his lawyer. The younger Steinbrenner, on the other hand, explained to officials that he was "at Chuck E. Cheese's all night." His statement was corroborated when he produced a Joba Chamberlain bobble-head doll, a stuffed figurine version of "Tinky-Winky" from the hit children's TV program "Teletubbies" and eight unused tickets. Steinbrenner Jr. was released soon thereafter.      But the Boston Police Commissioner was not so quick to dismiss the possible guilt on Steinbrenner, citing the eerily coincidental — maybe too coincidental — connection between the Chamberlain doll and the fact that the star Yankees pitcher was recently arrested on a DUI charge in Nebraska.     "The pieces are all slowly coming together," the Chief of Police said.

Ally Gimbel | When Kiwis Fly

Yes you heard me correctly. A tramper. As in someone who ventures in and around the bush, always keepin' it dirty. It's cool. Everybody does it.

Thumbnail optional | Canine play time: Fletcher Field primed for the dog days of fall

In recent years, Tufts' Fletcher Field has been the locale of many prominent events on campus, including commencement activities and the annual orientation barbeque. But Fletcher also hosts an entirely different wave of guests: canines.

Evans Clinchy | Dirty Water

I just want to clarify something. Well, first let me start by saying that I consider myself a scholar of sports history, especially when it comes to the legendary moments of my favorite teams. And as such, I am delusional enough to believe the events that happened before my birth are deeply ingrained in my memory. I somehow convince myself that even if it's not humanly impossible, I was there. I remember. These moments are a part of me.

Games of the Week

Looking Back (Oct. 25) | Penn State 13, Ohio State 6

NHL | Bruins relax access rules to let in college journalists

This week marks a huge step forward in the Daily's coverage of the National Hockey League, as the Boston Bruins have embarked on a program that will grant media access to local college newspapers.

Tree protest is all just a ruse

As it turns out, the organizers of last week's tree protest were not misinformed, but rather misinformants.

Obama for president

Bai analyzes Internet's effect on national politics

Matt Bai (LA '90), a political writer for the New York Times Magazine, spoke to students yesterday about the transformative power of the Internet in national elections and the shifting political landscape.

Tufts reels in two top-10 finishes at Head of the Fish

Coming off its final race of the fall season before heading into winter offseason training, the women's crew picked up a pair of top-10 finishes at the Head of the Fish Regatta in Saratoga Springs, N.Y. on Sunday.

ZBT's ball earns $2,450 for children's hospital

The Zeta Beta Tau (ZBT) fraternity reeled in $2,450 for the Children's Hospital Boston after last week's fundraising campaign, during which brothers rolled a giant beach ball around campus, collecting signatures on the six-foot-tall sphere.

Gym Renovations | Fitness center revamp is put on hold

Construction of the Steve Tisch Sports and Fitness Center and other renovations to school athletic facilities, scheduled to begin this spring, have been delayed due to fiscal constraints brought on by the nation's current financial crisis.

Neuroscience professor Haydon's endowment improves department

Thanks to a $3 million gift from a Tufts trustee, a new endowed professorship is supplementing the School of Medicine's efforts to revamp its neuroscience department.

In the fight against catastrophic repercussions of drunk e-mailing, Gmail creates safeguard

Wearing a seatbelt to minimize injury in case of a car accident, locking up a bike to ward off thieves, investing in plastic cases to guard electronic devices: The list of seemingly necessary precautions seems to be growing larger.