Condom Sense

There was one day in seventh grade that everyone dreaded, yet no one would have missed for the world. Our twelve-year-old bodies were blooming faster than the spring trees, Sean and Anna were just caught kissing in the woods, and it was time to learn how to put a condom on a banana.

It seemed simple enough: pinch the tip, and roll it down. But then again, it's much easier to manipulate an unripe fruit than a fleshy thing with nerve endings. Seventh grade was a good introduction, but correct condom usage is much more complicated than pinch-and-roll-down-the-Chiquita.

Most of the sexually active population has mastered the act of putting on a condom, but there still seems to be confusion surrounding where to keep them, how to take them off, and even when to use them.

"Best if used by" dates are most closely associated with tomato sauce, milk, and loaves of bread. Since we don't eat condoms, it may not always occur to us to check the expiration date printed on the side of the package. I suggest checking this date before you plan on using the condom. In the heat of the moment, any mauled package with a word that resembles "Trojan" seems adequate.

There is nothing that kills the mood more than having to tear through everything in your room to find a condom. For quick and easy access, keep your rubbers in a container close to your bed. Exposure to extreme temperatures can weaken the latex, so wallets and glove compartments are not good storage spots. Besides, chances are, you're not slick enough to have to carry a condom with you everywhere. You're probably not going to get lucky walking to the campus center, or cruisin' to Store 24. A well-stocked dresser drawer should be quite sufficient to fulfill most people's condom needs.

When reaching for a condom, we can sometimes get a little carried away. In the throes of passion it is often tempting to rip the condom open with your teeth, let out a growl and then pounce on top of your partner like a caveman. Whereas some may find this behavior a turn-on, it is not advisable.

Condom companies warn against any sort of violent ripping of the wrapper, as it can also tear the condom. (I don't mean to cramp anyone's style, you can still growl and leap if you want to, just be delicate when unwrapping the rubber.)

In case the whole Tarzan act isn't enough to suitably excite your partner, you may need to use some extra lubrication. If you are out of lube, the kitchen is not a good place to look. Vaseline, Crisco, and anything that is oil based will weaken the condom. Latex condoms require water-based lubricants; you can never go wrong with a little KY Jelly.

Now that you have a water-based lubricant, an un-torn condom, and a willing partner, it's time to perform what you practiced on that green banana. Pinch the top of the condom to make sure there are no air pockets, and roll it all the way down to the base of the penis.

Congratulations! Your shloppy is now covered, lubed, and ready to ride. Whether it is a long Sunday drive, or a dash to the quickie mart, it is important to acknowledge when your outing is over. When you run out of fuel, stop driving.

After ejaculating, the penis acts very much like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. (The line: "I'm melting, I'm melting" should spring to mind.) As the penis gets smaller, the condom fits more loosely. For this reason, it is important to grip the bottom of the condom while the penis is being withdrawn. After going through the trouble to practice safer sex, it's a major rip to have the condom slip off after the deed is done.

Although condoms are marketed mainly for use during intercourse, if any orifice is being entered, the penis entering it should be covered. Words to the wise: flavored condoms are not manufactured because vaginas have taste buds. They are a yummy way to practice oral sex more safely.

Spitting is not practicing safer sex; unfortunately, you cannot spit out an STD. Once semen has entered your mouth, the damage is done. Pulling a porn move, and having the guy ejaculate over your chest, instead of in your mouth, will greatly decrease your chances of contracting HIV or Hepatitis B.

However, even if no semen enters your mouth, unprotected oral sex can leave you with herpes, syphilis, or in rare cases, HPV.

Using a condom is a much more complicated task than was originally presented to us by our Sex Ed. instructor. Since you can't double-bag a penis for extra protection, every condom you use must be in tip-top condition. Each time you put a condom on and take it off, you must be sure that you are doing it correctly. After all, more than just your partner could be riding on it.