We recently set out to answer the age-old question: what makes a good movie? People of America, we are trying to tackle the important subjects in life. We think President Barack Obama could take a page out of our book and stop discussing bracketology with ESPN or making fun of the disabled on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno."
So, after many grueling hours, we have devised a foolproof formula that precisely calculates whether or not a movie can be considered "good." Naturally, we needed a test subject and decided to use Liam Neeson's newest action thriller "Taken" (2008) as our guinea pig. Our analytic formula revealed some shocking results: "Taken" is not a good movie. It is the best movie ever made.
To satisfy our formula, a film must first have universal appeal. Just like "Apples to Apples," "Taken" appeals to an audience ranging in age from nine to 99. About 50 percent of the adult world will be able to relate to the tragic story of divorce evident in "Taken." The powerful social commentary about sex trafficking and prostitution should engage the other 50 percent. For the under 18 crowd, there is a party where a birthday girl gets a pony as well as a teenager's story about gaining independence and growing up (then being abruptly kidnapped and sold). For the young adult portion of the population, there are a huge number of action sequences in which Liam Neeson goes Jason Bourne on some corrupt foreigners. That's right, we said foreigners. The French and Albanians to be exact. This film has a patriotic vibe, too.
Not only did "Taken" earn great marks for universal appeal, but, by combining aspects from different film genres, it scored an A-plus in the versatility category. Although classified as an action/thriller, "Taken" has a steamy love interest characteristic of romance films. Of course, the love interest in this film is between a corrupt, tubby sheikh and the sexy 17-year-old American virgin he purchased for $250,000, but Cupid's arrows strike in mysterious ways.
The movie mixes in some comedy, too. For example, Jon Gries, the same guy who was pegged with an orange when he played Uncle Rico in "Napoleon Dynamite" (2004), takes on the role of an ex-CIA member in this film. Plus, "Taken" features the Irishman Neeson trying to feign an American accent. Now that's comedy.
By now it should be obvious that we love cinema. We vehemently believe that every good movie has a Hollywood feel with inexplicable plot gaps and corny one-liners. "Taken" fits the bill perfectly. For example, at the end of the film, Neeson is able to board his Delta flight from Paris and land safely in America. We guess the director omitted the scene where French customs stops, detains and imprisons Neeson for hotwiring several cars, killing dozens of people and shooting the wife of a powerful French official at point-blank range.
Also, "Taken," like every good movie, has several memorable quotes that rev our engines. When Neeson warns the men who have just abducted his daughter about his murderous skills, we feel a rush of adrenaline and get psyched up. The audience knows that Neeson is about to single-handedly lay an epic beat-down on some Albanians.
Forget "Citizen Kane" (1941), "The Godfather" (1972) and "The Shawshank Redemption" (1994). "Taken" makes those films seem like sissy Lifetime originals. Well, at least judging by our formula. The next time you want to analyze the quality of a film, try doing it our way: Check for universal appeal, versatility, plot gaps and quotes. Depending on your results, you might have another "Casablanca" (1942) on your hands, or maybe even another "Taken." Nah, that's crazy talk.
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Zach Drucker and Chris Poldoian are freshmen who have not yet declared majors. They can be reached at Zachary.Drucker@tufts.edu and Christopher.Poldoian@tufts.edu.
