"Clash of the Titans" is like watching someone else play a video game for 188 minutes.
Thank Louis Leterrier, the director of "The Transporter 2" (2005) for "Transporter 3: Ancient Greece." It's clear that Leterrier is trying to jump on the 3−D bandwagon following recent sensations "Avatar" (2009) and "Up" (2009) with this CGI−filled remake of the 1981 cult classic.
For a movie whose plot presentation and acting are worthy of a low−budget pornographic film, the special effects in "Clash of the Titans" are vastly underwhelming. Not to mention that the characters are all Greek, yet mysteriously have British accents, though this may be a throwback to the original.
Sam Worthington of "Avatar" returns to the green screen as Perseus, the illegitimate son of Zeus and, ironically, the last hope for mankind in its war against the gods. Like any good video game, this film features beautiful women, muscle−clad men in short skirts and an endless supply of mythological butt for the hero to kick, culminating in an awesome final boss fight against Hades' (Ralph Fiennes) dreaded Kraken.
Is Leterrier's epic flop any better because it is in 3−D? This is a complicated question to answer. Trying to make a film look beautiful in 3−D right now is like trying to use plastic surgery to make a person look beautiful: The technology is just not there yet.
Hades' 3−D pterodactyl−like creatures thrill when they fly right at the viewers' faces, but there is almost no effort to bring the trees and mountains behind them out of drab 2−D space. Because it is not seamless, the effect is actually a regression for the viewing experience because it's like watching a live performance in front of a TV screen. However, it is cool to get a pair of 3−D sunglasses to take home because, let's face it, life looks so much better in 3−D.
While "Clash of the Titans" lacks any actual Titans (rulers of the Earth before the gods in Greek mythology), it does essentially stay true to the myth of Perseus. In order to prepare for the imminent coming of Hades' Kraken, the young hero sets off with a band of soldiers to take the head of Medusa, whose gaze, even in death, will turn any living creature to stone.
This is where the fun begins.
During a "manly" campout on the road, the captain of the soldiers initiates an impromptu, action−packed sparring session with Perseus to music colored by what can only be described as heavy−metal rock cellos. This scene transitions quickly into an ambush by a pack of giant scorpions. The structure of the film is thus fight scene, travel to the next fight scene, fight scene.
The action is fun and pseudo−3−D, and the humor is light and sophomoric. A line from Perseus, just before he and his fellow soldiers enter Medusa's cave, captures the essence of the dialogue throughout this movie: "Don't look this b−−−h in the eye." There are also quick nods to elements of Greek mythology, such as the ritual of placing two coins over the eyes of the dead to bribe the ferryman in Hades.
The few joys that the movie has to offer are also clearly more plentiful for those who have seen the 1981 original. As a quirky reference, Perseus picks up a strange mechanical owl that was a prop in the original for no apparent reason, quickly observes it and moves on.
Perseus gets plenty of divine help along his journey. Io (Gemma Arterton), another illegitimate child of Zeus, watches over Perseus along the way, and nearly has a romantic encounter with him. She ultimately doesn't, which is disappointing for a movie that is full of attractive people, set in ancient Greece and offers only the most superficial of entertainment.
One of the movie's more interesting scenes is when Perseus encounters the Fates, three gruesome sisters who share one eyeball and spend their days measuring lengths of string to represent peoples' lifelines. Against Io's warnings, Perseus cannot help but sask the Fates about his own future. "Perseus will die by the Kraken," they hiss, to Perseus' dismay, granting the movie its only moment of real tension.
If nothing else, "Clash of the Titans" teaches that with a little courage and a ton of divine help, anything is possible. The Fates may have been wrong about Perseus dying at the hands of the Kraken, but they set the right tone of dismay.
Bottom line: skip watching this video game in theaters.
