Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and honestly I’m starting to think we’d be better off as friends. … He’s a really nice guy but I’m just not sure how into it I am anymore. All this to say, I need to know, how do I politely break up with someone?
A: The age old question: How do I dump my relatively mediocre partner? We’ve all been there: stuck with the nice guy. Sweet, simple, good on paper. Unfortunately, good on paper is usually terrible in the sheets. While the solution may not be simple, we’re here to offer you some DOs and — even more importantly — some DON’Ts for your impending uncoupling.
DON’Ts:
- While appealing for its cheapness, avoid the Dewick dump. There’s nothing worse than a terrible meal followed by secondary disappointment. Emotional despair does not pair well with undercooked chicken, that’s simply two hits too many.
- Let’s avoid the easy route — while shooting them a ‘let’s talk’ text may feel easy, we all know what it’s like being on the receiving end: the stomach drop followed by the instant mental replay of anything that could have gone wrong. If you’re planning to end things, skip the anticipatory anxiety.
- Please do not pick a location you would like to return to. Hodge is your favorite dining center on campus? Skip those benches. We don’t need your favorite pita plate catching strays.
- Don’t say ‘you deserve better’ unless you’re prepared to explain why you’re apparently worse. On the face you sound great, noble even, but congratulations! You’ve just turned your breakup into a humble brag. Let’s avoid emotional outsourcing.
- Finally, don’t end with a ‘get home safe.’ The relationship is ending, not your Uber ride. You don’t have to be their mother anymore — we sure hope they can manage to cross Res Quad alone.
DOs:
- Practice, but never so much that you start to sound like Professor Kryatov during the 8 a.m. chem lecture.
- Jot a few notes down if you’re prone to getting flustered. It’s especially helpful as you’ll have a template for the next time you inevitably have to do this.
- I’ve found that it’s helpful to end with a heartfelt and slightly passive aggressive comment such as, ‘I truly hope you find someone special.’ They know it’s not true. You know it too. But you still get to be the bigger person and, at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
- Remember: It’s not you, it’s them — own it.
The real issue will come when you inevitably run into this person 50 times a day for the next four years. We’d like to give you some pointers on how to deal with the heart pounding, throat thickening and all encompassing anxiety that is triggered by this interaction. Unfortunately, we still haven’t cracked this one. But, as always, we’re here for all your questions and concerns.
