There are some acts that simply should not be done by certain people. Lactose-intolerant individuals should avoid ice cream sundaes. Alex Rodriguez should pass on those tic-tacs. Are you Albus Dumbledore? Stay away from Snape. But all of these examples pale in comparison to what Orlando Magic sharpshooter J.J. Redick announced on Thursday.
Redick, better known for coming off screens and nailing three-pointers at Duke, said that he's part of an unnamed "rap supergroup," due to release its single in the near future. Redick listed a number of potential names for his new rap crew, including "Sub-par," "Afterthought" and "No-Profits." Interestingly enough, all aptly describe Redick's NBA career.
While other basketball players who have released rap albums — Ron Artest, Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal — are sure to avoid Redick's "supergroup" like H1N1, the verdict is still out on who might be in it. Listed below are some potential members, none of whom have been confirmed by Redick himself, but all of whom would be incredibly awesome to hear drop a beat, singing about how life inexplicably relates to "hoes," "haters" or "ballin'."
10. Ray Allen: The Celtics guard, were he to come out with a rap album, would be the NBA's equivalent of Will Smith. This is a man whose favorite movie is "Schindler's List" and whose performance in the 1998 film "He Got Game" earned him the nickname "Jesus." So, simply going off his life experience, Allen would be dropping a cuss-free beat about Jesus Christ saving Polish-Jewish refugees during the Holocaust by employing them in his Christianity factories. In the end, a certain moral lesson about being good to your mother or always doing your homework is sure to surface.
9. Yi Jianlian and Yao Ming: Two massive centers with an aggregate height of 14 feet, six inches and with about as much street credibility as hermit crabs. You do the math on whether or not this would be awesome.
8. Derrick Rose: Writing raps with a Duke University grad requires a certain SAT score to participate. Well, maybe Rose could get a friend to compose the rhymes for him.
7. Matt Bonner: He has way too much red hair to be putting out a rap single.
6. Luc Richard Mbah a Moute: Where to begin with this one. Aside from the obvious problem of his name being unable to fit on the cover of a CD, Mbah a Moute, a 6-foot-8 forward from Cameroon, is actually African royalty. No, seriously. He's a prince in his native village of Bia Messe.
5. Tyler Hansbrough: If Hansbrough ever got into a rap studio, the second he touched the microphone, he would flop on the ground and scream for a foul. Plus, the dynamics between the Duke alumnus Redick and UNC's Hansbrough would implode faster than D4L.
4. Shane Battier: The clean-shaven, sweet-talking, defensive-minded Houston Rockets forward is probably too team-centric to be rapping. "'Dem hoes always be approachin me/Sayin ‘Hey what's your name'/But I'll go ahead and share them/Cause that's part of my game."
3. Grant Hill: Just released! The 37-year-old Phoenix Suns guard's first album will be entitled "B-Ball, Tylenol and Not Being Able to Get it Up at All."
2. Tim Duncan: Has he ever said more than four words strung together at a given time, let alone bust out a spontaneous rhyme? Duncan, arguably the best post player of this generation, admits to shying away from the spotlight, certainly not a characteristic of a high-profile rapper. But, what more could Redick want than a partner who enjoys playing Dungeons and Dragons and boasts a 13th-level lawful evil sorcerer named Merlin with 98 hit points, an armor class of two and a charisma of 21? Can't you just picture his opening line now? "I hate being famous/I'm not all whistles and bells/I drop trey balls/Like Merlin drops spells."
1. Phil Jackson: The only non-player on this list is too good to pass up. The hidden bonus track featuring the Zen Master would just be three minutes of him chanting. No raps. No rhymes. Just mustaches, triangle offenses and Buddhist chants.
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Alex Prewitt is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached at Alexander.Prewitt@tufts.edu.
