Seth Meyers missed a golden opportunity on "Saturday Night Live's" (SNL) Weekend Update to bring the salt. Seeing as Weekend Update is the only thing I find funny on SNL anymore, I usually just watch clips online on Sunday morning so I don't have to suffer through the entire show. This weekend, however, I anxiously waited to see what the SNL team would do with what I considered to be a piece of New York food news so outrageous that it was worthy of a "Really?! With Seth" segment. I thought that things were going to be perfect: Seth introduced the "Really?!" bit and had none other than Jerry Seinfeld as a special guest. I was pumped. But to my chagrin, Seth and Jerry did not talk about food, but about the Eric Massa sex scandal that forced the Representative from New York out of Congress.
Sure, a national political fiasco might provide more fodder for the writers at SNL than food, but really, Seth, really? How could you not give Brooklyn Assemblyman Felix Ortiz's ridiculous proposed salt ban a quality "Really?!" smack down?
So yes, I did literally mean "bring the salt" to SNL.
Ortiz introduced Assembly Bill A10129 in Albany on March 5, which states that "No owner or operator of a restaurant in this state shall use salt in any form in the preparation of any food for consumption by customers of such restaurant." Ortiz is essentially proposing a total ban of a fundamental ingredient in a state with one of the biggest restaurant centers in the world — complete with a fine up to $1,000 for every violation of the bill — all in the name of protecting the health of his constituents. (Hopefully my SNL dreams are clear now, particularly my excitement when I saw Seinfeld sitting next to Seth. I was praying for some good-quality "What's the deal with the salt?" jokes.)
The more I think about the bill, the more ludicrous it seems. Ignoring the fact that absolutely no chef would actually agree to comply with the ban, it is impossible to enforce. The language of the bill is extremely vague, and the entire concept raises too many questions. How would out-of-restaurant ingredients play into this ban? If a restaurant used stocks, cured meats or pickled vegetables prepared out-of-house that contain salt, would it no longer be able to buy and serve those ingredients? And what about chain restaurants that have virtually everything on their menus shipped to them from a corporate manufacturer? Would a salad dressing served at a franchise in New York have to be saltless and therefore different from the same dressing at the same establishment in the other 49 states? Salt is also a crucial ingredient in unexpected places, such as bread and pastry dough. Getting rid of salt means getting rid of pretty much everything on a menu.
Every New York chef, foodie and politician from chef Tom Colicchio to Mayor Michael Bloomberg has called out Ortiz on the implausibility of the bill since it was proposed. If the ban is so ridiculous and clearly not possible to implement, then why did Ortiz waste taxpayer dollars to draft Bill A10129? Ortiz told the Times Union of Albany that his father's health problems caused him to call for a ban on salt; he discussed how his father excessively ate salty food his entire life, leading to high blood pressure and, ultimately, a heart attack.
The bill clearly won't pass, but it has brought issues of high salt intake to the mainstream media, so maybe it was all a publicity ploy. Ortiz shouldn't use state legislation as a way to raise awareness for a pet food project.
And Seth, I am expecting some appropriate "Really?!" airtime this weekend.
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Caryn Horowitz is a senior majoring in history. She can be reached at Caryn.Horowitz@tufts.edu.
