Dear Nicholas Sparks,
Stop it. Just stop. We've had enough of your sappy novels-turned-movies starring teen sensations like Mandy Moore and Amanda Seyfried. Sure, we've had roommates put up that poster of the rain-drenched kiss from "The Notebook" (2004), but we ripped it down when they were sleeping and claimed it was their own drunken mistake. And yeah, we may have teared up a little during the wedding scene in "A Walk to Remember" (2002), but that was eighth grade, and Shane West was too hot to deserve that kind of heartbreak. But now we're done with you. You've gone too far this time.
You've written a movie for Miley Cyrus.
Seriously, since when is Miley calling the shots? Just because SHE hasn't gotten over "A Walk to Remember" and told Disney executives she wanted to be the next Mandy Moore doesn't mean you need to indulge her girlish whims. She's really cramping your style, making you write a screenplay before you even write the book. I mean, you originally titled it "The Untitled Miley Cyrus Project?" I think I just heard a whip crack.
It's not like your novels and films garnered much of our respect before, but we feel the need to express our extreme disappointment in this newest mushy mess of a movie. Do you have no self-respect, Sparks? Stop kissing Miley's feet, because you're getting ridiculous. At this point, we wouldn't be surprised to find you making "Party in the U.S.A." (2009) remixes as a boy-band rapper with the name N*Sparxxx. Don't expect us to be covertly reading your latest lovey-dovey disaster in the airport when the magazines get boring. And when they play "Dear John" (2010) as the in-flight film, you'd better believe we're removing our headphones and reading SkyMall instead. We're so done with you.
Sparks, you'd better hope Miley doesn't disappoint (too much) in "The Last Song," because otherwise, this might be your last movie.
Sincerely,
The Daily Arts Department
