Nearly two weeks after the event, journalists are just now beginning to uncover some of the hidden truths behind "An Evening with The Onion."
The "free" event, sponsored by Tufts Lecture Series (TLS) and Programming Board, on Feb. 17 brought to campus two alleged "employees" of The Onion, "America's Finest News Source" and satirical web and print publication. The evening seemed innocuous enough at first, but as the days passed, anonymous conspiracy theorists on campus have raised serious questions as to the identity of the speakers and their hidden motives.
A supposed raffle for a Kindle lured large crowds to the event, but no raffle drawing seems ever to have taken place. This news left one student wondering whether setting fire to her entire paperback collection had been appropriate pre-gaming for the event after all.
Publicity efforts (or the mere irresistibility of Kindles) must have succeeded, as the lecture drew a crowd of 10,479 students and 1,165 faculty members, or roughly everyone on campus but a single freshman. When asked to comment, the individual (whose identity will remain hidden, but whose Facebook username is available upon request) stated, "I just, I couldn't find Cohen Auditorium. I still kinda don't know where anything is around here." The student then proceeded to wander off campus in search of the elusive gym.
Despite this outlier, event organizers were reportedly pleased with the turnout, noting that having the entire campus in one place "allowed the brainwashing to be as effective as possible."
A week of undercover investigation on the President's Lawn spent straining to catch snippets of conversation from the President's house yielded further information. As it turns out, no representatives from The Onion had actually been available to attend their own publicity stunt, so graduate students from the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy were asked to fill in at the last minute.
When pressed for comment, University President Lawrence Bacow revealed that the individuals masquerading as journalists "could not have written witty graffiti on the bathroom stalls of Dewick, let alone worked for a national publication." The two graduate students posing as Onion writers merely cut together screenshots, videos, and headlines from public Onion archive material in order to create the illusion of having worked at the publication's office.
Students present for the event were quick to confirm these revelations, citing "weak humor" and "cheap shots" as tip-offs that the "employees" did not, in fact, work for The Onion.
"I knew it!" insisted one sophomore. "Onion sandwiches? They had no idea where the title even came from!"
A sixth-year student agreed. "Those Keynote slide transitions kept freaking out the guy with the beard, and that's when I knew the dude was phony. Cause, ya know, The Onion predicts the future, so he would have totally seen it coming."
The elaborate facade was created in order to maintain the valuable contract the university has signed with the publication, wherein The Onion agreed to a "voluntary donation" of $33 million to the university in exchange for a harmless hour alone with the minds of impressionable young consumers. The fine print demanded that Tufts students "volunteer" to take care of all advertising and logistics for The Onion's event. Event organizers were also required to shamelessly delay the beginning of the presentation for 15 minutes while nothing but the official Onion logo was projected onto a 50-square-foot screen. They also used this time to inconspicuously name-drop book titles during the Q&A session (achieved with the help of planted audience members) and showed embedded subliminal messages in videos featuring President Obama, cleverly disguised as embedded subliminal messages within a video featuring President Obama.
A spokesperson for The Onion denied both its endorsement of the evening and the possibility that their company would engage in anything so obviously narcissistic. "It's not that we deny audaciously indoctrinating thousands of students to our products through the guise of ‘an evening of entertainment,' as we have many similar events around the country," he said. "It's just that we would never allow the most dangerous campus in the nation to sponsor one of them."
When asked to explain the recent explosion of hits on TheOnion.com traced to the university IP address, the spokesperson declined to comment.
Despite the recent hiccups, Tufts Lecture Series is expected to continue with the remainder of its scheduled speakers. In the spring, Home Depot will be educating the student body on where to purchase the best ratchet and adjustable wrenches. The Foundation for Individual Rights in Education canceled an appearance set for later in the semester, observing that they could gain more popularity merely by bumping Tufts' campus to number 11 on their anti-speech list. In its place, Tufts Lecture Series is looking to host a lecture on the American Marketing Association's newest study, "If You Raffle, They Will Come."
This article was provided to you for free by the same people who give out those energy drinks and T-shirts outside the Mayer Campus Center.
