Q: I moved far away for college and have been struggling in ways I didn’t expect. With classes starting, I’ve been feeling guilty for being so busy and not being as involved at home. Honestly, I don’t know how to stay close to them…
A: For every college student, there’s that weird moment when you realize that you’re no longer the center of your parents’ universe, and they actually have lives without you. And, for some reason, they have decided they no longer need to notify you of important information. You might, for example, come home to find your basement has been gutted amid your mother’s reconstruction plans or receive a text from the family with a picture of Bad Bunny performing at the Super Bowl halftime show. No ‘wish you were here.’ Just proof of life at home without you.
Between schoolwork, darties and rush that takes up an unnecessary amount of time and energy, nightly FaceTimes and weekend visits are not always realistic ways of staying in touch. With this comes the inevitable guilt that makes you feel that you’re turning into the kind of child who doesn’t show up for Christmas dinner.
We’ve all been there. My freshman year, I was constantly kept up at night worrying that my entire support system back at home was going to one day forget about me. But the thing to remember is that change is not abandonment. We’ve said it before, but we’ll say it again: Things change and relationships change, but while scary sometimes, it’s not always a bad thing.
Try viewing it less as a loss and more as navigating what your adult life looks like outside your childhood home. It’s exciting and time-consuming to be building your own life, but that doesn’t mean there’s less room for your family to be in it.
The question isn’t ‘How do I stay as involved as I used to be?’ That’s an impossible task that will likely end in tears. But that’s okay! That’s distance doing what distance does. Instead, the question becomes how to build a smaller, sturdier bridge instead of mourning the highway you used to live on.
Here are a few things that have worked for us with these people we love:
- Call your parents on the long walk to class, send them a picture of your Dewick sundae or have them review applications for clubs that you never thought you’d have to apply to after already getting into Tufts. If your parents are anything like mine, they will be overjoyed at the slightest communication. Parents are sentimental like that — it’s kind of their thing.
- Try showing the mess and not just the highlight reel. Guilt often comes from performing a life that’s tidier than the truth. The ‘I’m so busy’ texts you send to make your life sound easier than it actually is usually end up just shutting people out.
- Stop keeping score. It’s definitely easier said than done, but whether it’s with your friends from home or even with the former version of yourself, the constant comparison is draining and, in our opinion, a futile effort.
You’ll always have summer vacations to go home, see an opp and feel 15 again! No matter how independent you become, it’s nice to know your family will always be able to make you feel like an angsty teenager within 20 minutes of walking through the front door.
In the meantime, if you need a friend, we’re here anytime!
With love,
Sharper Advice
