Mall Cop' is a laughable attempt at comedy

    When a movie handily wins a box office weekend, it is generally a highly anticipated release, one that might even change the way viewers perceive cinema. This is not the case with "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" (2009). With its well-timed release over the long weekend, and the absence of other family-friendly films, Sony Pictures churned out a profit on something that didn't deserve to make over $30 million.
    The film (if you could call it that) stars Kevin James as Paul Blart, a bumbling mall security officer who has to save the mall and some some hostages from a group of thieves. After the opening credits, the camera shows a training field where new recruits are working to become state troopers, and Blart, who needs to pass the obstacle course to get his badge, predictably fails before he reaches the finish line.
    Blart, a single father whose wife left him after she gained citizenship through marriage, has a hopeless crush on Amy (played by Jamya Mays), a kiosk saleswoman in the mall who sells hair extensions from a little store called "Unbeweavable." Other minor characters in the film come into play at different moments, but none of the roles do anything to save the movie from its utter and terrible cinematic failure.
    Most of the film's humor relies on the fact that Paul Blart is fat, happy and single. The jokes — or physical humor — include Paul falling on someone, getting stuck in a tight space and passing out from his hypoglycemia (the movie's only gross-out scene). In addition, his daughter sets him up with an online dating profile, which does nothing to help his
love life.
    The film's attempt at comedy is often too predictable to be enjoyed. Picture the famous scene in "Die Hard" (1988) where John McClane crawls through the rafters to subdue terrorists. Now picture an oversized Kevin James crawling in the same type of rafters to subdue skateboard-riding punks trying to steal from every store in the mall. Instead of a masterfully-crafted action scene, Blart's weight causes the vents to fall from the ceiling and knock out the morons below.
    Yet another try for comedic relief relies on the fact that Blart rides around on a Segway, and is generally disrespected by patrons in the mall. While something can be said for Kevin James doing all of his own stunts, being dragged by a man in a motorized wheelchair isn't really enough to make this movie entertaining. To be fair, college students may not be the chosen audience for this film, but it is still hard to chuckle at any of its jokes.
    "Mall Cop" rests entirely on Kevin James' shoulders since the supporting cast of unknowns doesn't add much to the plot or comedy. The only other thing that carries any weight is the plot, which slowly leads the audience to figure out who the bad guy is and who will be helpful in resolving the movie. But nothing stands out as a shining moment of brilliance or even acceptable film making in this 91-minute piece of junk.
    "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" is one of those movies people love to hate; it's silly, unfunny and so bad that it's ridiculous. The movie will obviously appeal to the family that doesn't want to have pickaxes flying at them in "My Bloody Valentine 3D" (2009) or for those who can't stand hearing Clint Eastwood sing at the end of "Gran Torino" (2008). Besides, there is no other family-friendly movie out in cinemas now. For everyone else, it might be a good idea to wait for this one to come out on DVD, or to wait for "Pink Panther 2" (2009) next week, but don't get your hopes up.