Q: I’m still figuring out my friend group. Some people seem nice, but I’m not sure if they’re actually going to be my ‘forever’ friends. How can I tell the difference? I don’t want to get too invested in people who might not stick around, but I also don’t want to miss out on friendships that could actually last.
A: A classic dilemma that we’ve all had to deal with: Are these my true friends or just a free trial that’s going to expire next month?
First, let’s keep in mind that no one comes with a forever-friend warranty. People come and go, and most friendships don’t start with a grand sense of destiny. They start with convenience, proximity or a terrible night out and a mutual friend puking in the bushes outside the MIT Theta Chi. (Sorry — too specific?) What really matters is how these people make you feel right now. And let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to tell the difference between true friendship and infatuation. So we’d like to offer you some quick litmus tests for these friendships.
- Did they really text you because they care, or just because they want an invite to your next social gathering?
- Can you be yourself around them or would it elicit an awkward grimace?
- Do they remember to check in on how you’re doing, or just when the stats homework is particularly hard?
- Would they leave you stranded at the party or actually make sure you got home safe?
Any answer that pops into your head for these questions, trust your gut. My rule of thumb for a one-sided friendship is if you stop trying and nothing happens, then the friendship is already over. Save yourself some time and emotional energy and let it go.
Short answer, if they’re your first-year roommate, the answer is no. ResLife only acknowledges your existence if you’ve left out an open container. Anything more, and you could file a missing persons report on yourself and get an auto reply. They certainly aren’t curating lifelong companions, so stop banking on that one, please.
But here’s something you might not love but what we think is most important. You can’t build true friendships without risking a little of your own investment. You’ll never just commit to people who are guaranteed to stick around. Sometimes you have to show up, care and make yourself a little bit vulnerable.
Friendships aren’t always permanent, and that’s okay. People change, schedules get busier and sometimes, you just click with a person in theory … but not in practice. Often, the best people are the ones you never saw coming, like the athlete who ignored you in Expository Writing or the tall fellow who lived across the hall that you mistook for a lesbian. Our advice is put yourself out there: Show up to the awkward mixers, join a random club and maybe, just maybe, the person who ignored you will end up being your favorite human.
But, if these friendships flop, we’re always here,
Sharper Advice
