The Reel World: Slow-ass zombies

I empathize with the girl in the zombie movie. You can all conjure up the visual: She’s running down the street, a horde of undead chasing her. In the film that defined zombies for a generation, “Dawn of the Dead” (1978), we were introduced to a funny yet infuriating trope: No matter how fast the victim runs and no matter how slowly the zombies seem to be trudging after them, they will always catch up to the victim and get their inevitable gory feast of braaaaaaains.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I'm being chased by those extremely slow-moving zombies. I don’t know, maybe it’s because it’s October and maybe it’s because I also have two midterms this week. It’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy; I have a million assignments and deadlines creeping up on me. It’s not like I don’t see them coming or they’re unannounced. The pattern goes something like this: Picture me, sitting in Dewick. I think, “Hmm … maybe I should get started on that reading.” I leave the dining hall, put my backpack down and proceed directly to Netflix to watch “Scary Movie” (2000), one of the greatest, most highbrow American films.

Luckily, the very first scene of “Scary Movie” skewers both horror movie pitfalls and my own nonsense. Carmen Electra is being chased through her misty yard by the ghost-masked killer from “Scream” (1996). She comes to a pause in front of two yellow traffic signs, one of which points toward “SAFETY” and one of which points toward “DEATH.” Electra, inevitably, runs toward death, where the killer catches up to her and slashes her to her doom.

I laughed out loud. Immediately, I thought of approximately 12 situations in the past week alone where I had basically done the same thing. Maybe one day, my signs will say “SCOOP N SCOOTER THIS WAY” and “RESPONSIBLE EATING CHOICES THIS WAY.” Another day, I will neglect studying for my sociology exam in favor of researching the origins of the Moon Pie on Wikipedia.

As long as horror movie zombies are slow-moving, I like to think that I can avoid my impending doom. That’s why I have some major issues with “30 Days of Night” (2007).The movie follows a pack of vampires who terrorize a remote Alaskan town during the month-long winter darkness. Instead of having the genteel respectability of Count Dracula, these vampires are very fast, they have rows and rows of shark-like teeth and they roar into the night with blood running down their neck after catching their prey. When I watched it for the first time, I was indignant. It’s not fair! We’re already at a disadvantage. How are we supposed to escape Usain Bolt in vampire form when we can’t even be trusted not to eat six cookies in 20 minutes? However, we humans still get the last laugh. The joke’s on the vampires and zombies because I won’t even have any braaaaaaains left after my midterms on Thursday.