Over the past year or so, we’ve spent a lot of time with all of you Tufts students, listening to all the problems in your lives. We’ve heard about every roommate feud, every ambiguous ‘So what are we?’ conversation and every friendship debacle. But this weekend, as the campus fills with excited parents wearing Tufts sweatshirts they bought 40 minutes ago, we’re turning to the people who raised you, and who, we can only assume, are responsible for all of this. We did some outreach: a few emails, some awkward phone calls and a text blast to every parent we know. And let me tell you, they had a lot to say.
Q: I’m paying for a degree in biology, and my son just told me he “might” switch to theater. Do I panic now or wait until it’s official?
A: Definitely panic now. However, we think there is a gentle way to approach this conversation. Instead of telling him that the world has enough starving artists, maybe ask him what’s pushing him towards this decision. Everyone thinks they can be the next Lin-Manuel Miranda in college, but trust us, we’ve seen enough 24-hour musicals to know that that’s not the case. You could encourage him to join one of the student theater groups where theater could be more of a hobby than a career move. And if biology just isn’t cutting it, there are plenty of majors in the sea.
Q: Why does my child keep saying they need a “DTD” wristband? Is DTD a band?
A: Great question. The packs of 500 wristbands that keep popping up in your Amazon account do indeed serve a purpose. DTD is, in fact, a fraternity whose greatest contribution to campus culture may be convincing thousands of students every year that a 3-cent strip of plastic is a highly coveted status symbol. Without it, your child may be forced to endure the humiliation of attending a subpar frat party — as if they aren’t all subpar.
Q: My son’s girlfriend has basically moved into his dorm, and now they want to spend winter break together at our house. Same room? Separate rooms? Do I have to have ‘’the talk’ with a 20-year-old?
A: We’re definitely past the point of ‘the talk.’ For now, a simple reminder to use protection will do. As for this break, that may be a bigger conversation. But more importantly, how much do you like this girl? Because if she’s already living in his dorm room, winter break may be a trial run for a new daughter-in-law.
Q: My kid dropped a casual “My situationship and I…” into conversation, and I smiled and nodded like I knew what that meant. Do I ask, or keep pretending?
A: We get it, Gen-Z lingo can be confusing. For that reason, we’re going to offer you a rapid-fire rundown on some of the words your child may toss into conversation:
“Rizz”: Urban Dictionary defines “rizz” as “spitting game/how good you are with pulling and sustaining b*tches.” To put it in terms that may be more familiar to you, your child is getting a lot of play.
“Sus”: Short for “suspicious” — this word is used to describe a person, behavior or situation that seems dishonest, shady or untrustworthy. Feel free to use this word when your kid leaves the house with bottles clinking from their tote bag.
“Slink”: Contrary to popular belief, this does not, in fact, mean “sex link.” The word is derived from the term “sneaky link,” which refers to a secret romantic or casual sexual partner whom you meet up with on the “down-low,” keeping the connection quiet and off social media.
“Ate”: To do something exceptionally well, nail a task or look incredible. Used in a sentence, one could say, “You ate with that.”
“Hard launch”: An announcement of a romantic relationship specifically through Instagram, probably plotted for weeks. Not to be confused with the “soft launch,” where your child posts a photo of someone’s hand, back or just flowers, through increasingly obvious ‘clues.’
And last but not least… “Situationship”: A romantic or sexual connection that lacks a formal label, clear commitment or a defined future. AKA: every parent’s worst nightmare.
Q: What is JumboCash, and why does my child keep saying they need more?
A: Ah, JumboCash — the number one way to scam your parents out of money. My freshman year, I told my mother that JumboCash was solely for laundry, which made her more inclined to fund my $7 lattes from The Sink every day. Because we believe that we Tufts students are entitled to a little secrecy, we are going to refrain from answering this question and say that JumboCash is a necessary and vital thing. If your child’s account is low, it is your duty to fill it right back up.
Q: Is it acceptable to track my child’s location in college?
A: Unless it is a matter of safety, we implore you to ease off and let this over-18 year-old individual make their own choices — preferably ones you aren’t watching in real time from your couch. Your desire to track them stems from deep mistrust. And why should they trust you if you don’t trust them?
Parents, enjoy your visit. Children, we’ll be back to you next week.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend,
Sharper Advice
